November 19, 2006

Random Thoughts
This past week has been a sort of catch up week for me. Nothing in particular has happened that was worth really writing about. At least nothing that would make you smile. Last night changed it all though!Jonathon came home from college! I haven't seen him since the middle of August and I was so excited to pick him up and hug him. He looks the same. Maybe he added a few pounds but thats normal for freshmen, they have to acclimate to the new ways of eating. Other than that he's my Jon Jon. Funny that we ALL were so happy to have him come home. Now, don't think for one minute that he stayed very long. He ate dinner, spent about an hour with us and then was out and running with his friends and an overnight at his buddy's dorm at Rowan.Today is the Cendrowski Thanksgiving. Bob's mom and dad are having their dinner with us today since we will be with my family on Thursday. Bob's aunt and uncle from Scranton will also be there so the crowd should be large enough to afford us the oppertunity to converse about interesting subjects. I feel very fortunate to have a good relationship with Bob's family. So many lose that part of the puzzle upon their spouse's death and yet I feel it is so important and necessary. Looking forward to the afternoon and evening and to the food!Perhaps it's the time of year or the time of month or just the time period, but I have been very weepy about Bob this week. I wouldn't say that I have been feeling "lonely," but I have really missed him. I've missed his voice, his hug, his kiss and his smell. As I raked leaves in our yard this week I talked to Bob and asked him so many questions.His whole death has crept up on me and I find myself wondering now if I did the right thing. If he laid there trapped in a dying body wanting to yell "Do something damnit!" or if he laid there thinking to himself "why is my wife letting this happen? Does she love me or is she content to let me go?" How do I answer any of these questions in my head? In retrospect, I look at all those questions and I have the same answers today that I had in May. Is that a good thing? I so tried to look at the whole situation in a very humanistic way. I tried to put myself in Bob's shoes and do for him what I would want done coupled with what he wanted done. He looked so despairing and so tired to me. His eyes just had that look of "I can't go on" and I was certain that that was how he felt too. Often we had spoken of the time when he would be "done" and not want to do this anymore and I felt that this was "that time." The remark on that Monday as we trekked off to the doctor "you don't think I'm gonna come home do you?" and when I shrugged my shoulders the "there's always hope." That one remark hits me in the gut everytime. He had hope but did I? Did I lose my hope along the way? Did I do all I could? When the doctor told me the inevitable news....why did I just accept it? Why didn't I push for one last miracle? Was it in the name of dignity? Was it selfish reasons of being tired? I don't know. Perhaps it was a healthy mix of all of it. I can only hope that as Bob made his way to heaven, he was able to look back down at me and say "Well done my good and faithful wife, well done"I just want to hear Bob tell me that I was right, that I did the right thing. I need that validation and that question answered and unfortunately in this game...you never get that answer. So I go on and I frequently contemplate those questions and I search within for the answers and until I see my sweetheart face to face again, I'll have those hauntings, but I'll hopefully be able to put space between them.....lots of space.~~ Rayne ~~

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Veterans Day 2006
Happy Veterans Day Honey. Our first one apart with no chance of phone calls or letters or even an e-card. Your first one in heaven with Jesus and I am sure that the banquet there is bigger and better than anything we ever had here. We're keeping the tradition of steak and fries tonight, one of your favorite meals.Today I celebrate you, the husband, dad, son and soldier who stopped at nothing to defend the freedom of your family and fellow Americans. The world had no finer example of a man who loved God, Family and Nation. Your memory will live forever.The flag is flying and the honor and support, and love are overflowing. I miss you with every passing day and can't wait until I'm in your arms again!The PROUDEST wife ever,~~ Rayne ~~
Posted by ~~ Rayne ~~ at 6:07 AM 0 comments
Friday, November 10, 2006

Welcome Back!
Welcome to the new blog! I am in the process of creating and re-posting all the blogs from before. Hope this new home will be a safe and happy abode.Much Love,~~ Rayne ~~
Posted by ~~ Rayne ~~ at 11:37 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, November 8, 2006

Unfortunate
It's unfortunate that someone had to give my mother-in-law the ONE post that revealed a bad day in my family's life. Not that I was embarrassed or ashamed...I WAS NOT. Thats REAL life. Had I been ashamed I would not have written and published the blog.NO ONES family is perfect and this person is no exception to that rule. I guess you should "not pick the speck out of someone's eye until you get the boulder out of your own." Once a trouble maker always a trouble maker. This game has been going on for the 25 years I have been in Bob's family. I'm sure every parent has a story to tell about their child taking a dollar without asking or telling a lie. I bet that their child has even made less than perfect grades and not cleaned their room. But to cause trouble in MY family, this jealous person actually PRINTED ONE SINGLE EXCERPT and gave it to Mom to read. Can you believe it? They didn't give her the latest BLOG on the good things and progress that was going on within my family....oh no....just the ONE with the bad stuff. All you did was hurt Bob's mother. Does that make you happy? His mother would/has and does do above and beyond for you all at the pleadings of her family to quit working there. She puts you first...and you hurt her. That was malicious and used just as a way to poke fun at her. Nerve. It took alot.Let me tell you one thing.....and I know you'll read this eventually.....YOU will NEVER be the kind of mother-in-law that my mother-in-law is and YOU will never have the realtionship with your family members that I have with my Mother-in-law. Write me off, write my kids off...my husband is dead so you can't write him off. I owe you no loyalty and believe me, you don't deserve any. I don't have to patronize you or play the game and I won't. Money can't buy love.For the many of you that enjoyed the journal and encouraged me to write...for those of you who realize that families are not perfect and can quip at a single mom's views of raising kids alone.... I have created this new blog.I was an awesome wife to my husband... there was no greater love and no greater mutual respect...I stood by my man until that last breath and I continue to be totally committed to his parents and his sister and just as committed to my marriage vow now as I was when Bob was alive. You'd have to look far and wide to dig up any dirt on me....I've guarded my reputation. When you have walked a mile in my shoes, I'd like to compare notes.Print this BLOG and keep it. It's time I get this off my chest and this was the catalyst.~~Laurayne~~
Posted by ~~ Rayne ~~ at 12:21 PM 0 comments
Sunday, November 5, 2006

Love Leaves A Memory
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland I ran across this epitaph this morning in some of my perusing of the internet. It really struck a chord with me and in an instant became the cornerstone of my writings today. I don't think I could have come up with a more true saying if I had to think for days. Whoever thought of this one is brilliant for it is the battle cry of just about every widow I know. Once we lost our spouse we were instantly reduced to those memories and though the world can try to beat me down and make me forget many things, the world can NEVER steal my memories of Bob and all that he means to me.No one can take the memory of our first face to face meeting. No one can take the memory of the first date and the first kiss. No one can steal the memory of me bringing him home to me the parents. And no one can steal away the memory of the day we became engaged. The day we were married is no one's to steal. Our first home together is no one's to take either. Bob's first deployment as a married man and the feelings of loneliness and abandon that consumed me are MINE as is the proudest days of our life....the days our kids were born. No one can take the memories of anniversaries, vacations and moves. And no one can take the memories of the disagreements and reunitings after long deployments. They can't take away the memory of the pain and agony of the disease that ravaged my beloved's body and the many nights I spent up with him, rubbing his head, kissing his lips and holding his hand. They are all mine.What the world can have is the memory of a man who so deeply touched and affected each and every person he met, a man who was not perfect but who knew that and lived each and every day to make it a better day than the day before. The world can have the memory of his smile, the memory of his honesty, the memory of his love.The heartache is a natural byproduct of the love that we have shared and the memories that embellish our minds. The heartache is the mortal remnant of the immortal soul. The heartache will eventually fade but never end.Memories offer us both a legacy of the richness of Bob's life and we are both better having known the man who offers us so many things and times to remember...ALWAYS.~~ Rayne ~~
Posted by ~~ Rayne ~~ at 12:19 PM 0 comments
Saturday, November 4, 2006

Six Months Today
I embrace today with love and memories. Though I miss Bob in ways I can never explain, it feels like a "powerful" day to me. I feel ready to move onto the second half of the first year. Today i am putting away the Halloween decorations (Bob loved Halloween) and taking out the Thanksgiving stuff. Moving on. Does this mean forgetting? NO WAY. I could never forget the most important human to ever touch my life. I couldn't forget the only man I loved and the father of three of the most beautiful kids ever. Though our vows were "Till death do us part" I just don't feel parted. So I honor that bond and vow and I move on through life WITH Bob, if not but a memory.I have been thinking a lot lately about the poem that Jordan wrote back in June. The pain and loss were so real and so raw. Maybe today I can coax her into another creation and it will better depict her feelings now. She seems well but tasks like this paint a better picture of what's deep in the well. Below you'll find a reprise of that poem.Today is the six month anniversary of my loss but of Bob's gain. The gain of wings, halos, perfect peace and love. The gain of what we are all waiting for...GOD'S FACE. What could be so wrong with that? Maybe my thoughts should reflect the fact that today I REJOICE that there is no more pain, no more suffering, no more being trapped inside a body that you can no longer control. Today is reason to celebrate.Here's to the best husband, father, son and brother. Heres to the best friend, coworker,soldier and man. Here's to the best example of what dignity and honor are all about. To you my sweetheart...to you!Today I celebrate YOU: ROBERT DONALD CENDROWSKI6 WeeksIt’s been 6 weeks6 weeks of grief and emptiness6 weeks of wanting you back6 weeks of hopes and dreams.What will 6 months be?Or 6 years?Will there ever be a day that I happy for you?I know you’re with GodAnd I know you are healedBut do you think of meAnd Mommy, Jon and Matt?I think of youAnd I think of what I’ll grow up to be.Will I be like you or will I be like Mommy?Will I live a life worth living or will it be hell?Sometimes I wonder;think too much, I cry too much.Go to God Daddy and find peaceBut on this 6 week markThink of meI love you daddy with all my heartAnd wish we never had to partJust one more“I love you” orOne more kissOr even just one more ponytail pull,peoples eye brow and “Doh!”But today, on this 6 week markI think of your legacy, journey, and fight.Daddy, I love you with all my heart, soul and being.JAC 6-15-06
Posted by ~~ Rayne ~~ at 12:15 PM 0 comments
Friday, November 3, 2006

How Can I Stop From Crying?
Brutally me. No frills and no frolics...just ME.I am an emotional mess and I can't tell you why exactly. Everything I do, everywhere I turn, tears beget me. Last night Matthew announced that he had joined the Marine's. THE MARINES. What now? I lost my husband to the military and their shenanigans. Now my first born son is joining the ranks of the like? I am confused. I am hurting. Not because I think Matt is above the Marines or above the military, but because in one brief moment he went from Matthew, my son to Matt, a MAN. I couldn't help but wonder if Bob is happy and proud of our son. IS he looking down and smiling or does he have that puzzled face? IS he thinking what he always said..."the Marine's are crazy MF's" IS he thinking that our son is crazy? IS he crazy? Am I crazy? Oh my God, I am spinning.This morning I got up and went through the whole thing in my head. I wrote down a few notes and then armed, went to the internet and looked up his pay. As a recruit, he'll be poor. But I guess he won't have reason to spend any money. After all they'll own him. Oh wow...THEY will OWN him. I can't help make decisions anymore. I can't call and find out any info. THEY OWN HIM. I carried him, I fought for his life when he was 20 days old and I raised him and now the Marines OWN him. I don't like this thought. I don't like it one little bit. He's MINE. Hear me...HE IS MINE.IF he makes it through Basic, he'll come out making a little more than the average Marine because he'll be an E-2 instead of an E-1. Then after his schooling and a bit into his first assignment he'll go to college while the Marines pay for it and they'll also pay his salary, all the while he'll accrue time in and once he's finished and has his degree, he'll become commissioned a 1st Lieutenant and his job will change. Now this is sounding better. But the danger is still there. The DANGER. Matt says that more than likely he will not go to Iraq, but I don't see that. In my minds eye, he'll do one tour there before his school begins. What do I know though...I'm just a Mom? And if he does go to war, what’s the difference in kissing him good bye and kissing Bob good bye? It was good enough for the love of my life FOUR times! Bob where are you? This is one of those times I need you. I need to bury my head in your chest and scream. I need to feel your strong arms around me and hear you reassure me that I am okay and I am going to make it. Can't you help me? Sometimes I feel your presence and this is one time I need you. I NEED YOU Honey.Looking at that pay scale brought a flurry of emotion to the forefront of my mind too. I remember Bob being a 1st LT. and us struggling on that salary and LOVING every minute of it. I remember having a baby on a 1st. Lt's salary and how we had to split that money into more pieces but we were so in love that it didn't matter. Memories, sometimes they're a bitch. This is one of those times.I'm still crying. Some are "Joy" tears and some are "pain" tears. Today, I miss Bob more than ever and I miss Matt. He's still here, but it's different. Way different.~~ Rayne ~~
Posted by ~~ Rayne ~~ at 12:14 PM 0 comments
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